We love counting things. We love the attendant numbers of counted things. We love knowing that such and such receptacle contains a known, finite quantity of things.
Contained. Counted. Known.
Uncontained. Uncounted. Unknown.
A delirious excitement and nausea oft overtakes us when we are privy to talk about infinite universes. We think, for example, of the billions of leaves that right now are holding onto billions of trees. While it is highly improbable that we will ever know the exact number of leaves on this earth at any given moment, it is equally true that such a number exists. The leaves, the trees, this world, are beyond our reckoning, but we take comfort somehow in the knowledge that there are real numbers that can be attached to such things. They exist. They exist in disparate and hence measurable units. How could it be possible that there might be an infinite, and hence unknowable number of clinging leaves, elsewhere, forever and ever, worlds without end. Infinite universes? Fuck us.
So we created the Nancy Drew Research Institute (NDRI). The NDRI is situated in Happy Valley, Canada, USA. It is a clean and white laboratory (seriously!) where well-paid Nancy Drew scientists will read and take notes on all of the first 56 yellow-spined, spine tingling Nancy Drew Mystery Stories. It’s purpose it to count and name important things in the books.
These include:
a. How many days it takes to Solve Mystery
b. Towns or places visited in process of Solving Mystery with distances from RIver Heights noted when possible
c. Who Nancy helps
d. Who Nancy thwarts
e. General descriptions of what good people look like
f. General descriptions of what bad people look like
g. Friends Nancy enlists to help (besides Bess, George, Ned, Burt and Dave)
h. Professionals Nancy enlists to help (besides Dad and Chief McGinnis)
i. How many outfit changes there are, with descriptions if given
j. How many meals Nancy eats, with descriptions if given
k. Skills Nancy has and/or draws on to Solve Mystery
l. Coincidences encountered
m. Natural Disasters endured
n. Historical Sites visited and what is learned there
o. What is in the derelict shack over there
p. Situations escaped and bodily injuries noted
q. Awards received
The findings will be posted here for your perusal. At the end, the findings will be tallied and conclusions will be drawn.
I love you, Nancy Monkey. True story.
I, too, love you, Nancy Monkey. I’m yours for the next 56 weeks. xo
I am waiting with bated breath for the results… But in the meantime, Nancy Monkey, I need some advice. How does Nancy Drew stand up to the 21st century. Should I recommend the books to my 10 year old? Rereading (some of) the Little House on the Prairie series with her was a twisted experience. Preliminary findings welcome…
Dear Questing Mother of 10 year old;
Although we here at the NDRI have not collated our findings (and indeed, are far from doing so) what we can say on first flush that your daughter should be reading Nancy. The yellow-spined Nancy. She of independence, she of courage, she of kindness. She of the upper-middle class bottomless pocketbook for travel and leisure. She of the friends who are ever-ready to drop everything to help her. Also nobody dies in these books. Certainly limitations do appear (even within the yellow-spined Nancys) that would give me, as a mother of a 10 year old, pause. Descriptions of bad people do tend towards caricatures of those who are poor, people who don’t have flashing white teeth or people who perhaps are Romany-esque. Slightly problematic for a liberal parent like yourself, no? What we can see with certainty is that we do not recommend the new Nancy. She reads like a trashy ho – concerned with tight jeans and boys. Also, people are murdered. Murdered in River Heights. “What the fuck??!” We here at the Institute don’t understand. More so, we do not approve.
In closing, we thank you for your questions and concerns. We have a psychologist on staff (namely, me) ready to field questions such as you yourself have posed. We did not enter into this work lightly.