Jesus. The Nancy Drew Research Institute has been a hub of whirlwinds. We have just found out that the rapture is coming on May 21st and we are horrified! According to our whip-paced schedule we will be in the actual process of inputting the statistics from The Mystery of the Moss-Covered Mansion when it happens.
Point One. Coincidence? Convergence? We think not. Confused? Read the Mystery and you will understand why it is a portent of the cataclysm to come.
Point Two. We won’t get to finish this important research. The world won’t ever get to know THE TRUTH because this other THE TRUTH will effectively derail the whole fucking project.
Point Three. Even if we went balls to the wall we could not possibly finish the research, tabulate the findings and draw conclusions because we have been mired in the older versions of the yellow-spined Nancy Drews. These Drews evince from the happy times between the Great Wars and seem to be about forty pages longer than the snappier post-war re-renderings of the Nancy-River Heights matrix.
Point Four. The Board, having overheard some grumblings about the early yellow spined Nancy’s having been inadvertently thrown into the heady mix of 60s and 70s Nancy’s, has sagaciously opined that we now need to compare staid Nancy to hip Nancy. Our concerns are multivalent. Primarily, of course, does this mean we have to research the relatively recent incarnation of ho Nancy – she of the tight jeans and concern with her desirability to young men? And, does this mean we now have to retrace our steps and do cross-analysis of every Nancy that we’ve already laid to rest? More work, certainly. But, my god, we seem to have a significant time constraint that, in all frankness, moots the entire decision.
Business as usual here at the NDRI. Despite the impending Jesusial meeting, we are having an emergency meeting this evening of board and staff. The agenda is thick with panic.