Jesus. The Nancy Drew Research Institute has been a hub of whirlwinds. We have just found out that the rapture is coming on May 21st and we are horrified! According to our whip-paced schedule we will be in the actual process of inputting the statistics from The Mystery of the Moss-Covered Mansion when it happens.
Point One. Coincidence? Convergence? We think not. Confused? Read the Mystery and you will understand why it is a portent of the cataclysm to come.
Point Two. We won’t get to finish this important research. The world won’t ever get to know THE TRUTH because this other THE TRUTH will effectively derail the whole fucking project.
Point Three. Even if we went balls to the wall we could not possibly finish the research, tabulate the findings and draw conclusions because we have been mired in the older versions of the yellow-spined Nancy Drews. These Drews evince from the happy times between the Great Wars and seem to be about forty pages longer than the snappier post-war re-renderings of the Nancy-River Heights matrix.
Point Four. The Board, having overheard some grumblings about the early yellow spined Nancy’s having been inadvertently thrown into the heady mix of 60s and 70s Nancy’s, has sagaciously opined that we now need to compare staid Nancy to hip Nancy. Our concerns are multivalent. Primarily, of course, does this mean we have to research the relatively recent incarnation of ho Nancy – she of the tight jeans and concern with her desirability to young men? And, does this mean we now have to retrace our steps and do cross-analysis of every Nancy that we’ve already laid to rest? More work, certainly. But, my god, we seem to have a significant time constraint that, in all frankness, moots the entire decision.
Business as usual here at the NDRI. Despite the impending Jesusial meeting, we are having an emergency meeting this evening of board and staff. The agenda is thick with panic.
Rapture, smapture. These distractions are not worthy of your notice. Your work will continue from this world into the next and the one after that, and the one after that, and the — well, you get the point.
Dear Ms. Bess N. George,
The Nancy Drew Research Institute has allowed me to inform you that Dr. Nancy Monkey is currently in a benzodiazepine induced coma and has been for some time now. While the use of morphine as a contraindicating treatment is somewhat controversial, the skilled doctors here are certain of its efficacy as indeed she does seem to mumble things from time to time. I have written down some of the words that have passed from between her dried lips – “water water water” “spank” “oh! Nancy” “tell Bess N. George schwerppp jugggerrrlloon” — and then the rest of what she says is lost. I am sorry if this is not the answer that you were seeking. I am her daytime nurse. If you require any more information or answers please let me know. I will continue to take notes of things that this reknown doctor mumbles. Might I close with this: regardless of your denomination, prayer is often quite useful at times like this.